When life gives you lemons....

Its been a while. It feels like an eternity since Ive had the mental or physical energy to sit down and think about a blog post. Here is a little update on the last few months:

Since march this year I have been thrown a few hurdles. I have been tested, and then tested again, and just when I think it cant get any harder, it has. It started off with a gastro bug that went through our household, we all took turns cleaning up vomit and helping children sit up to vomit in buckets, gastro really sucks. My little boy who has was just over 18m at the time, was recovering from gastro when he came down with bronchialitis. He seemed to be getting sicker by the day, and on the third doctors visit in as many days, our GP suggested we take him to emergency. What I didn't realise was that she suspected he had pneumonia (confirmed), he also had viral tonsillitis. My poor little baby was very sick! Helping a toddler vomit during the night is a scary thing, but having a listless toddler with pneumonia is even scarier.

He seemed to improve, but a week later his cough took a turn for the worse, and he began having coughing fits that resulted in vomiting. I took him back to the GP. While we were there he had a coughing fit in front of the doctor, who immediately informed me my sick boy had whooping cough. Surely not....he had been immunised! Apparently the current vaccinations are weaker than a few years ago because they were causing febrile convulsions in babies (pretty scary), but as a result there are many more cases of whooping cough, even in vaccinated people. As I was coughing too, the doctor tested me also, and we had an anxious 3 day wait for the results. I had convinced myself that the results would be negative, trying to stay positive and hope for the best, but you know when the doctor rings you himself that the diagnosis isnt good!

The antibiotics helped kill of the contagion, but did little for the actual cough. Whooping cough is also known as the 100 day cough, so my little man and I spent the next 3+ months coughing, initially having awful fits resulting in retching, and slowly, very gradually getting better.

My daughter has also had a tough few months, after her gastro bought, she has had sever stomach cramps daily, for coming up to 5 months. We have had umpteen doctors appointments, as well as trying all sorts of alternative options to help her. It has been awful seeing her in pain, but we seem to be slowly improving things with some changes in diet.

And of course when it rains it pours. While all of this was going on my husband was also facing some big changes at his work, which meant increased hours, increased travel, and job uncertainty. At one point we were wondering what we would do if he was made redundant. He was away when our son had gastro, and again when he was in hospital. I had lots of help from family, but its just not the same as having your husbands shoulder to cry on when your children are sick.

Then a few weeks ago I had to have a colonoscopy. I had been having some tummy issues for a few months, which seemed to be exacerbated by the gastro, and then even further after taking the antibiotics for whooping couch. I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, and suddenly lots of things made sense. I had put my constant tiredness down to the demands and stresses of motherhood, but now there was another reason.

The diagnosis, however, stopped me in my tracks physically and emotionally. I hit a brick wall. The expenses from choosing to have the colonoscopy done privately meant I had to take a break from my personal training sessions, and I was feeling utterly defeated. I stopped going to the gym, and struggled to find my motivation to move forward. I was crying regularly, and was really worried I was slipping back into a depression.This thought scared me into seeing a hypnotherapist. I have seen him before, and had an amazing session that lasted nearly 3 hours. It was like a light bulb went off inside me, and since then I have gradually been stepping back into life.

Last week I took a very big step forward and weaned my baby. After two years and two weeks of breastfeeding my very attached little man, I decided it was the right time for both of us to take this step. For me, I really need to have my personal space back, and the energy to focus on continuing my recovery and my road to health and wellness, for him, he was old enough to understand and accept mummy saying no. I am very proud of both of us for taking the step, and a little sentimental at the same time! Breastfeeding for so long was a blessing for us both, particularly as a way to comfort and nourish him when he was so sick.

This week I have gone back to the gym again, on my own, no personal trainer in sight. I have decided to focus on what I know  I can do: running. I have downloaded a couple of app's on my iPhone, and have signed up for the Sydney running festival in September. I have 7 weeks to train for a 9k run, and yesterday I managed 7k's on the treadmill in an hour (yes there was some walking involved, but there was mostly jogging, and that was a huge relief- I haven't lost all my fitness).

I have downsized my goals to make them achievable and realistic. After months of supporting my family, now I need to focus on my health, I need to focus on feeling good, and feeling strong and healthy. 

I'm feeling positive again for the first time in what feels like an eternity. It feels good.

Milestones & Mountains

Well today I had my official 1 month weigh and measure with my trainer.
I haven't lost any more weight since last week, BUT I have gained muscle mass and my % body fat is lower. I am also feeling so much fitter, my energy levels are increasing, and my clothes aren't so tight anymore. We did a measure up, and in the last month Ive lost 6cm from my waist, 8cm from my hips, and 3cm from my bust. This makes me feel VERY happy!!!! I cant underestimate how reassuring it is to start feeling noticeable changes. Emotionally I feel more confident, less anxious. I am smiling more. I am finding I am busier each day, perhaps its just the new routine, but a couple of months ago it was easy to spend a day at home on the computer most of the day, now I barely have time to eat lunch! And considering one of the most important goals for my wellness journey was emotional health, this is motivating me even more to keep going!

This week my goals are to keep improving my snacks. I bought a juicer this week with the aim of having a vegetable juice once each day after watching Fat sick and nearly dead, and I had my first one today actually really yummy too). And Ive got a plastic container in the fridge with lots of cut up veges to snack on when I am feeling peckish. And I'm also really focusing on keeping my fluid intake up so that I don't get dehydrated (I'm still breastfeeding and I'm sweating heaps while I'm exercising so I need to be careful ).

And I might have done something a little bit daring, and committed to competing in the Sydney Morning Herald Half Marathon 2012. Yes I'm crazy, no I cant run at the moment (jogging for half an hour on the treadmill is a long way off from running), but you know what? I guess I've reached that mental point where I remember that I've done this before, twice in fact, and I can do it again. Its gonna take a whole lot of hard work, and thinking about that for too long makes me a teeny bit scared and want to QUIT, so rather than do that I'm gonna break it down week by week and focus on the training. Worst case scenario? I walk half of it like I did my first half marathon in 2009. I can think of worse things than that. Like not attempting it. Like not working out at all. Like sitting at home all day feeling anxious and eating chocolate.Ive been there, this already feels much better.

So anyone out there want to join me? C'mon, lets climb some mountains!!!!!!

Progress & goals

Woohoo!!!! Finally I can be all official and record a weight loss! I have adjusted my ticker to my TRUE starting weight (I put on weight over the holidays) of 96.5kg (oh my lord). And I'm very pleased to say I have lost 3.3kg in the last week and a half! That's one of the biggest losses I have ever achieved, and I put it all down to sticking to my nutrition plan. Yes I've been working out like a crazy woman, but  all the exercise in the world will do nothing if you then eat like crap!

Last week my goal was to stick to my nutrition as closely as possible, to exercise 6 days a week, and to only have 2 alcoholic beverages all week. It required lots of willpower-muscle flexing, but I did it. And rather than exercising and treating myself each day, I stuck it out, saved up my treats for my one off day, and had a nice home-made pudding. In fact I thought long and hard about what I wanted to have as my treat, and decided on Jamie Oliver's recipe for Sheila's pudding, made with ripe nectarines!! And I really felt like I had earned it.


This last week has helped me feel one step closer to changing my lifestyle and creating some good new habits. I achieved my goals, and feel ready to step it up a notch this week and set some new goals!! I really feel like everything is getting easier and easier. Three months ago I was eating chocolate EVERY day. One month ago I was working out and then drinking two glasses of wine most nights. Each day, each week that goes by I am moving further away from the old me, and closer to the new me.


Today when I met with my personal trainer, I discussed my current challenge. I am working out, I am eating well, but I am snacking. When I'm tired, in a rush, have a screaming toddler clawing at my ankles, or a cranky hungry seven year old demanding attention, I make impulse snack decisions. Milk arrowroot biscuits with butter, nuts(in large quantities), peanut butter on cruskits with banana, and even ice cream. I know its been letting me down. So time to step it up.

This week my goal is to put more time and thought into my snacks. AS WELL as working out 6 days a week, and only having two alcoholic beverages, and one off day. So instead of eating 3 handfuls of nuts, I'm going to have a low calorie protein shake. Instead of reaching for the milk arrowroot's (with butter), I'm going to grab a couple of vita weats with some cottage cheese or hummus. Instead of reaching for ice cream (which is no longer in the freezer), I am going to have two tablespoons of natural yoghurt with a sprinkle of seeds or sultanas.

This week I also achieved a personal mini-milestone. I began jogging again. I have been so incredibly unfit and overweight that jogging has been near impossible, and incredibly uncomfortable. This week I began wondering if it had become a mental block rather than a physical one, and decided to try an outdoor jog rather than a treadmill one to see if the change of scenery inspired me to push through the pain. I managed to jog most of the time for one whole lap of centennial park (3.6km's), and then yesterday I managed 30 minutes of non-stop jogging (albeit slowly) on the treadmill. Barrier broken baby!!!! Bring on the running!!!!

Nutrition Nutrition Nutrition! Oh and lots of SWEAT.

The last two weeks have been hard work. Back from holidays and straight back into it.
I'm at the gym 6 days a week working out, including two 1 hour personal training sessions each week.
I'm completing a food diary every day. Ive had to really focus on what Ive been eating. I'm not counting calories, but I am cutting out most of the sugar from my diet, and cutting back on bread and pasta in the evenings.This has been a challenge, mentally and physically, overcoming cravings, and flexing my willpower muscle!!

Ive been very sore, and absolutely exhausted. I wont lie, its been a shock to the system. The change in diet was as hard, if not harder than the exercise. Ive been so tired in fact Ive had naps during the day most days to get through. But somewhere in the last two weeks I think Ive turned a corner (finally). It has finally gotten to the point where I am not constantly craving sugar/chocolate/ice cream etc. And my gym sessions aren't killing me as much as they were (mind you they still hurt lol but that's the point isn't it?).

I have also joined the Million Kilo Challenge. The fabulous thing about this is that the food plans are FREE!!!! Hooray! The food is pretty similar to what I have been eating, lots of healthy salads, lots of grilled chicken/fish, and not much bread. The thing I love about it is there is no calorie counting!!! Hooray!! It includes meal plans, recipes, and lists of snacks, and is suitable for just about everyone.This is what I had for dinner last night and it was very easy to make, and verrry yummy! You can find the recipe here.

For the first time in about a year I am feeling confident that I am on track, now all I need is for the scales to reflect all my hard work. I haven't done an official weigh in for my blog since last year, why? Because I haven't lost any weight. I'm hoping this changes this week, its been very disheartening working this hard for no result (in fact I out on a kilo over the last couple of weeks). Fingers crossed next week I'm in here celebrating with a loss!!!

Reflection

Happy New year!

Its been a while since Ive posted.Christmas has come and gone, and it is already 2012, day 3 in fact!!

Like many people at this time of year I have been thinking a lot about the year just passed, and about my goals and resolutions for the new year. Its a great process to go through, a kind of self cleansing ritual, out with the old, in with the new. Its a great way to let go of any experiences that may be holding you back and start afresh with some new habits, and a great way to reflect on where you are at, and where you would like to be in a years time.

I am grateful for where I am this year.  I overcame some pretty big obstacles this year, I battled Post Natal Depression, and all the challenges that places on you and the relationships around you, and have been medication free for just over a month now (I'm really proud of that). I have already begun my journey to wellness, and I'm proud of that too. I have a beautiful family, who have been so wonderfully supportive of my journey over the last year, and lovely lovely friends who have held my hand along the way.

I have some goals for the new year, and most of them are connected to creativity and wellness. I want to do some courses, I want to explore my business idea, I want to get into photography, gardening, cooking and painting (of the handy variety ie house painting and furniture restoration). And I want to continue my wellness journey.

Ive been thinking a lot about my motivation for beginning this ride. Is it about being skinny? Is it about fitting into a size 12 (my ultimate goal dress size)? Is it about an image that I am trying to obtain? Or is it about the inside, and how I feel about myself each day when I look in the mirror. Of course it is the latter.

I have realised that as a part of coming off the medication I was taking, that I have had to confront a whole bunch of home truths that were being gently masked by the haze of the anti-depressants. At one point this was probably helpful for me, but now that I no longer need the medication, the last months has been one big wake-up call (and that hasn't been fun lol).

So my own personal motivation for starting my "wellness" journey is about my emotional health, my sense of self, being healthy in body and in mind, treating my body with respect, treating my SELF with respect. We all know that binging on chocolate isn't good for you, but do we acknowledge why we do it? Because it helps us avoid dealing with something in our life? Because it makes us feel happiness when we are feeling down about something? I have been thinking about all of this and trying to change habits both physical and emotional.

How do you feel after a week of Christmas eating culminating in a day of feasting on rich delicious foods, lots of alcohol, and lots of yummy chocolates, cakes and sweet treats? Do you feel energetic, happy, ready to tackle the world? Or do you feel hungover, fatigued, craving coffee/sugar to help you get started in the morning, depressed about the amount you over-indulged? Its no different to any other day, your body and mind react to what you eat, how you feel is a direct result of how you treat your body. I know this is true for me.

So the essence of my wellness journey is about reconnecting with the fit, happy, healthy, bounce-out-of-bed-I-can-do-anything-ME. Treating every aspect of my life with respect and love, my body, my emotional health, my relationships. Nurturing my creative interests, nurturing my physical health, and as creating healthy emotional well being as a result.

Next post will be about how I am tackling this each day!

Happy wellness journey to all those out there beginning again! May all your dreams for 2012 come true!!

Inspiration

Monday Weigh in: 94.5kg
Things I am proud of achieving this week:

• I went to the gym every week day, and did 25-40 mins on the treadmill each time.
• My gorgeous beautiful boy went to creche each day (an achievement for both of us), and by the end of the week was HAPPY to be left (such a huge relief to me).
• I realised I need help to get back on track, and booked in with a personal trainer. I start tomorrow!!

There were some low moments during the week, but I don't want to focus on the negatives, I want to keep this positive and focused on the next goal. So as much as for my own benefit, as to share the things that have helped me stay focused, here are some of the things that are motivating me to keep going:

I use Pinterest as a way of collecting images that inspire/motivate me, and if you haven't already checked the site out, I highly recommend you do (although be warned, its highly addictive).

The thing about beginning a journey like this is that you hit a wall at some point, a low in your life that makes you take stock of your surroundings, that makes you realise that you want something different from the life you are leading. Unfortunately often the inspiration to move forward comes from a low place. But the key, and this is a life lesson for us all, is to turn that frustration, that inaction, that anger/hurt/sadness into a positive plan. A way to move forward.

When you are miserable it is often hard, sometimes impossible to see that there is a silver lining around the corner. But it just takes one day, one moment of remembering what you want, what you CAN achieve, what you CAN be to turn that corner and begin the journey. It doesn't change things overnight, in fact the beginning is always the hardest, we don't wake up one day and decide "I will be thin" or "I will be happy". We wake up day after day and remind ourselves what we want, where we want to be, how we are going to get there.

Before I had my son, we tried for 4 years unsuccessfully to fall pregnant. Towards the end of the journey I decided to try and lose some weight and see if that helped. I joined a gym and met a wonderful personal trainer, who changed my life. He was  only 21 and just starting out, but perhaps as a result he believed that I could do anything I put my mind to, including run a half marathon with only 8 weeks of training (and I had NEVER run before). He was the one who showed me the Marianne Williamson poem for the first time. Naively I trusted him, and went along with his plan. And who would have guessed it?
I did it! I ran a half marathon. And I did it again a few months later! I ran/walked through 21k's, often behind older, more overweight men and women who were out there doing their own half marathon! It was humbling, and inspiring to be part of, and I definitely consider it one of the major achievements of my life! My trainer helped me remember that all the things that hold us back, I'm too old, I'm too tired, I cant run, I could NEVER do a half marathon, are just thoughts in our head, and this understanding has stayed with me. I became a runner, I ran 4-5 times a week, I couldn't go more than 2 days WITHOUT going for a run, I would get grumpy, irritable, I would start to feel unhappy. I began to understand what people meant when they spoke of a runner's high! I am trying to tune into that memory now. I CAN do this, I WILL do this, in fact, I have begun!!

If at first you dont succeed...

Go for the jar of Nutella in the cupboard with a tablespoon. Oops did I write that? You cant do things like that on the Dukan diet! So day 4 is here, and I must admit its been a tough few days. I knew it would be hard, I really was so addicted to sugar that cutting it out altogether was going to be a tough ask, and I was prepared for the detox side effects. What I wasn't prepared for was being unable to curb my cravings. I made it through to 7pm, then 9pm, then 9pm again, but each night I caved and the result means that I have lost next to no weight, and of course I have pretty much defeated the whole purpose of the protein only phase (which technically I haven't achieved)! This is the kid of food Ive been eating:

 

Along with roast chicken, low fat cottage cheese, smoked salmon, low fat ham/chicken/turkey and lots of other tasty proteins! I should add the pikelets are sugar free, made from oat bran, egg and yogurt, and were served with large amounts of cottage cheese/salmon/ham etc (just in case you thought they were yummy pancakes with maple syrup).

Achievements so far:

• Ive made it to the gym every day, and completed 25-35 Min's on the treadmill each time. I am booked in every weekday next week and I'm confident I will be able to extend my workout time to 45m-1hr.
• I have significantly cut down the amount of sugar, bread, chips, cake, chocolate, wine etc. In most cases it has been zero for the last few days.
• I am proud of the fact that I have been able to get through each day on such a restrictive diet. Coming from where I was at, even that is an achievement in itself.

Things for me to think about:

• I haven't lost any weight yet
• I have struggled with the lack of fruit and vegetables in the diet
• The diet is SO restrictive that it is turning me off even wanting to continue trying.

So where to from here? Firstly I think I need some help. I have called around, and I am going to investigate the costs/benefits of getting a personal trainer again. It worked for me last time, and if I am honest with myself, the most helpful part of it was the beginning when I really needed someone to help me stay accountable with my nutrition.  Until then, I am going to at least stick to limited sugar, limited carbs, and high-er protein, BUT I'm not going to restrict vegetables, and I might even allow myself the odd piece of fruit. I cant tell you how much I enjoyed a Sumo salad today (my first vegetables since Sunday). So moderation is the key from here on in. And in between starting this post and now, I have an appointment at the gym with the personal training manager who will talk to me about my goals and assign me a trainer (Ive already made it clear to him that I will work  my butt off in the sessions but that I need someone to help me stay on track with the food).

So although this post felt like it started off as a post about failure, it now feels as if I have turned another corner, and perhaps realised something more about myself in the process. I CAN do this, I WILL do this, and deep down I know what I need to do and how I need to do it. Today brings me one step close to achieving my goal.

Oh, and hooooooooooooraaaaayyyyyyyy for no more protein only, and boy oh boy am I looking forward to a side salad tonight!!!!!!!